A Retreat to Contemplate 70
contemplation and poetry
First Night — part 1
I have taken a leave from my life, for a short, but needed, retreat. The spectre of my landmark birthday visits me 3 days from now, and while I know that it is only a number, it is also significant. I lost my father at 23 years of age, when I was only 3 weeks old. My mother died at 56, followed by my stepfather, just months after her.
From that time, I have been running, running, running, carrying a daily dose of free-floating anxiety. I don’t just wake up in the morning, I wake up with a panic in my gut that has no name, no treatment, and no relief. Finally, after weaning off a med that I took for years with no respite, an intuitive psychologist helped me figure it out. I am running from death. Once she said it, I knew it was true. Unfortunately, I expected that after outing the vicious fear, it would dissipate. However, it is still with me, and now that I know its name, in times of difficulty, uncertainty, or for no reason at all, the thoughts of death creep up on me. No crazy scenarios, just that word, lighting up my brain like one of the neon signs on Broadway.
So, I am taking some contemplation time. Also, some time to just pamper myself. My first step, as I sit here, on a huge king bed in an even huger hotel room, my computer on my lap, and a deck of Creative Thinking Cards. What follows? I don’t know.
Card #1: Provocation. A graphic of a brain creating lighting and rain. On the second side, an upside-down cloud with a lightning bolt: the symbol used for reverse brainstorming. The card asks me to, instead of thinking of solutions, brainstorm to generate problems. Oh! I think I’ll be good at this. In fact, my fear of death absolutely generates more problems. For example, I have a house full of stuff. Some valuables, some crap, and not to mention all the writing work all the way back to my childhood. I have journals written in a secret code! Will one of children have an epiphany and get my work published? Or, have a party to wipe my computers and burn my books? The card asks me about a different way to think about this problem space. And therein lies both the problem AND the solution. I need to create order, organize, and trashify. Then write down specific directions.
The next card is from Perspective Shifts. The stormy brain is the same, just a different color. I turn the card around, and see the infinity sign, below which, in large letters is written “No Limits.” This card gives me goosebumps. It gives some advice that I have also given in classes I have taught about finding meaning and purpose. And of course, I need to take my own advice but find myself losing focus. This card tells me “Imagine you have unlimited superpowers, budget, time or technological capability to solve the problem, what would a god do?”
First, she would find a bunch of quotes about cards, then write a poem, as it is only the beginning of NAPOWRIMO (National Poetry Writing Month) 2025.
“Life is like a game of cards. The hand you are dealt is determinism; the way you play it is free will.” — Jawaharlal Nehru
“We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the game.” — Randy Pausch
“Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but sometimes, playing a poor hand well.” — Jack London
“Just because Fate doesn’t deal you the right cards, it doesn’t mean you should give up. It just means you have to play the cards you get to their maximum potential.” — Les Brown
Card Play
When the Old Maid sits down at the table
she shuffles the cards and suggests the game
at first Go Fish and Rummy,
then a sly smile,
she turns the deck to Crazy Eights
and later to Snap and SlapJack
saving for last the ace in her hand
declaring all play War.
©2025 Noreen Braman
First Night — Part 2
The second set of cards I have, are Critical Thinking Cards. They are divided into two packs, “Your Bias” and “Your Fallacy” — these are set up for playing different type of card games, but I am going shuffle each group and pick a card at random and see what it tells me. First up, “Your Bias.”
The card picked describes “the halo effect,” — the tendency that how much you like someone, or find them very attractive, will influence your other judgements of them. The card suggests that if you are consistently giving someone high marks “across the board” or oppositely, poor marks — it may be due to the halo effect. I am not sure if I see much of that in myself, but of course that means I may have put the halo on my own head. It is, however, something to contemplate and check myself on.
The second card, “Your Fallacy,” defines the gambler’s fallacy. No surprise here, it is the tendency to believe that ‘runs of luck occur in statistically independent phenomena such as dice and roulette wheels.” Not much of a gambler, aside from the occasional lottery ticket, I might be more of a believer in the opposite way: not having any luck at all.
Now comes the tricky part. How to combine these random cards into some sort of lesson or advice for myself. Possibly, a warning to avoid the putting halos over people, myself, lottery tickets or casinos.
Second Day
This morning, I woke up to Valerie June singing “Joy, Joy” on CBS Saturday morning. https://www.cbsnews.com/video/saturday-sessions-valerie-june-performs-joy-joy/
Having chosen “Joy” as my watchword as part of a class I was teaching at OLLI-RU, (Osher Lifelong Institute at Rutgers University) I’ve begun to hear and notice the word often. Some would say the universe is sending me reminders, but I think that joy is around all of us, we just need to pay attention to seeing it, feeling it, and remembering it when you don’t feel joyous.
Later, I went down to the hotel restaurant for breakfast. The server was joyously friendly, giving me the feeling that she was genuinely sincere, and most likely is known by her family and friends as a joyous person. I wondered if a person is born with that kind of attitude, or if they acquire it through life circumstances — making a deliberate decision. It made me realize why joy became my watchword.
For most of my life I took joy for granted. Life was not easy for me, in fact, in high school my journals have entries about my contemplation of suicide. And yet, even with the dark days, I was putting stickers and sayings on the journal covers, taking an entire year of independent English to study written humor, all the while dealing with reoccurring trauma, drama, continuing all through my adult life.
As my landmark birthday approaches, I find myself living in a world of incongruities, uncertainties, and my forever companion, anxiety.
However, this morning I did not wake up with that adrenaline rush in my gut. Sometimes a change of scenery calms it down, and I am not sure why, because anxiety can be double or triple in making preparations to be away. For example, having intense anxiety just before leaving home for the airport, or just driving to my daughter’s house in PA. Once I am at my destination, it dissipates. But in the meantime, I sabotage myself by leaving something important home, not matter how much my anxiety keeps reminding me to “check for everything.” Like this trip. Purposely put my curling iron out, letting it cool down before putting it in my backpack. Well, it is still there today. And now, looking at my watch, I see it is almost time to go to the spa for my day full of indulgence. It is just two floors below me in the hotel. I feel the twinges.
Retreat
So many definitions
the verbs all about a signal in war
to withdraw from a losing situation
if that is at all possible.
The nouns still mention warfare
but in another sense provides daily life
with places of safety, whether in the mind
Or a calming place, for seclusion.
Perhaps the comparison not so strange
battles come in many forms.
©2025 Noreen Braman
Last Morning
My time at the spa was truly amazing, the pampering and the “me-time” was wonderful. I ended up watching a movie about Vincent Van Gogh on YouTube last night, as I was even too relaxed to start contemplating my life again. I had a refreshing sleep, and, at 8:30 AM, I’ve made some coffee and will eat some leftovers for breakfast to maximize the amount of time I have left in this personal retreat.
I’ve pulled a random critical thinking card. This one is called “Extremify.” The card tells me that looking at extremes can bring insights into sharp relief. It suggests finding out what would happen if I amplified a problem, or a solution. Since this contemplation is all about me, I will ignore the third suggestion about what a global response would look like, whether it was responding to something minuscule or all-consuming.
I think that I already have the “extreming” of problems down pat. In fact, perhaps this card can actually be a sign to me that I need to really consider what problems I have, or issues that bother me, and if I am “extreming” them to my detriment. For example, it is way past time that I set aside the issues and concerns with work, things are really not going to change, and the best thing I can do is to keep in mind that old serenity prayer, taking God out of it, and giving myself a new version:
I task myself to support the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”
And part of supporting and creating serenity means that I will carefully think about what things require the “extreme” response. And that means not a panic, but a prioritization of those things that for me are not just problems to solve, but habits to support.
At this moment, on CBS New York they are covering the Cherry Blossom Run in New Jersey, and John Elliot choose to interview a 70-year-old woman from Germany whose family gifted her the trip to run with them. Again, coincidences such as this do contribute to the things I am thinking about this weekend, just as much as the cards I am working with. 70 is to be accepted and celebrated — and yes, maybe a reminder that time now requires some parts of my life to be “extremed.”
This morning’s bias card is — omg — Negativity Bias. “You allow negative things to disproportionately influence your thinking.” Now, these are not fortune-telling cards, they are part of exercises to examine and understand bias in order to recognize in yourself and others — giving you a better perspective. However, for this personal retreat, I remind myself to determine what the card is saying directly to me. I take it very seriously, as I accept that I, indeed, have this bias in my own personality.
The negativity bias allows negative things to disproportionately influence my thinking. I feel the pain of loss and hurt more keenly and persistently, while only having fleeting gratification of pleasant things. The card also tells me that as humans are primed for survival and the aversion to pain can distort judgement.
So, what set of paradigms! For me, this may be an area of my thinking that truly needs some “extreming.” On one hand, to reduce the influence of negative experiences and thoughts. On the other hand, to “stop and smell the roses,” and stop taking good things and experiences for granted — or if that isn’t the right description — start to be in the moment, taking deep psychological breaths of good, happy, and calm experiences, and bringing them more forward in my mind. (And perhaps, tackling run-on sentences.) But, as the card reminds me, to be aware of, and how to deal with, both physical and psychological issues.
The Fallacy Card I draw is “appeal to nature.” This is an interesting card, as it presents the fallacy that anything, especially healthcare, is better if it is “natural.” This brings to mind immediately those who want to dismantle proven science to try and justify “natural medicine” claims. It is not an either/or proposition. For me, I have medicines that I have to take. My thyroid was destroyed in order to stop Graves Disease. I need to take thyroid hormone the rest of my life. The medications I take for blood pressure and cholesterol are necessary also. However, that doesn’t absolve me of not doing the “natural” things that are vital to my health. I am proud of the fact that the Type II diabetes I’ve acquired is being controlled, not by insulin, but by diet and constant monitoring to understand what is good for me and what is not. This morning’s fasting blood sugar was 117. That tells me that my liver is not responding to a too low overnight blood sugar — which is important because the liver doesn’t care about how much sugar it starts throwing around.
As my retreat comes to an end, I need to think more about what to take away from this experience. First, and foremost, turning 70 is to be celebrated as much as a yellow reminder light signaling a time to have contemplations about life, spend time in gratitude for all the goodness in my life (most especially finding love with Dale, and having a relationship that I never thought I would have) and understanding that there are things I need to let go of:
1 — for the rest of my working life, do good work but be focused on $$ not praise or recognition. I know that sounds harsh, but it helps to stay on task.
2 — try “extreme” ways to tamp down the anxiety that not only attacks me on most mornings but is now creeping into other aspects of my life — and here, a “natural” solution is desired.
The time is ticking down. Time to get dressed, pack up my suitcase, and do that deep psychological breathing while gazing out of the 5th floor windows, watching the memorials on CBS Sunday morning, considering what “extremes” to focus on, and practicing opening my arms wide to embrace 70. It’s now or never.
Now or Never
Talked about, sung about,
declaring the shortness of time.
Years, months, weeks, days,
hours, minutes, seconds,
and yes, the milliseconds.
Flying by at frightening speed
the lives of humans barely a speck,
while the stars and planets live on in eons.
Does the sun worry about going supernova?
Do the planets and asteroids and comets and space dust
contemplate eventual demise?
Or do they just accept the changing of form?
As matter never disappears
the light of our lives will still travel across galaxies
which we now consider endless
therefore, we never die.
©2025 Noreen Braman
